To the girl that got away

Dear Mandy 

This letter is supposed to be to the man that got away but I believe more often than not, relationship after relationship I’m the one who slipped away, yet never actually left. So this letter is for the girl that used to be. 

When I was young, Grade 7 young, I wrote this poem. 

LOVE

1 Word, 4 Letters, 2 Syllables, 1 Meaning

It’s not always romantic

It doesn’t ultimately make the world go round

It doesn’t necessarily last forever

But it still controls every aspect of our lives.

Even as a child we strive for attention

Yearn for someone to somehow tell you how much you mean to them

We grow up hoping someday someone is going to see past our mistakes

Past our lies and past the pain

We keeping running and running hoping to one day stumble upon our own version of a fairy-tale

But is love truly a fairy-tale or is it the simple need of being wanted

The feeling of wanting to belong

We’ve made it seem impossible to ever attain

When love is all around us

Our family, our friends

That one teacher who made a difference in our lives

That stranger who was there when you cried

Who made it all seem better for just one second

And then there’s that fairy-tale kind of love

You know the one that makes your heart stop beating

Where your entire world becomes interlinked with that one person, and life itself seems to be centered around them.

But this kind of love is not completely a fairy-tale, it’s short of being perfect, and is devoid of a future only focused on today.

They say love is blind, but love is all-seeing, just not completely believing

It forces you to open up without any hope of letting go

We chase it for so long, we forget about what to do when we finally find it

We soon find out that even when it seems to be within our grasp, it still seems far away

That even when you’ve completely given your heart, it’s not a guarantee of forever

That every step we take does not necessarily get any easier

And every moment in itself isn’t perfect.

Love takes each moment and turns It into eternity

It takes each tear and turns it into a smile

But it also presents life in a way that you have never viewed it

Leaves you wanting to run even when you think you’ve finally caught it

Love is that emotion that can completely consume you and yet leave you still wanting

Gives you understanding yet your left feeling confused

Love is what I feel for the world, for people, for friends, for family

Love is that one feeling that keeps me holding on even when I feel like I can’t take just one more breath

Love is what we are chasing

Love is what we’ve found

Love is what we don’t understand

But we can’t run away from

Love to me is simply you. 

When I was 12 and I wrote this, I was filled with so much pain and yet so much hope for the future. I remember reading my diary from when I was in grade 5 to grade 7 and it was so sad,  countless posts about how much I wanted to die and how depressed I was. 

Thing is I believed with my whole heart that love could fix it all. That one day in the future I would stumble upon friends that loved me and would become family. That I would meet that one person that made it all better and with every single relationship that came and went, that little girl in me died a little. 

Often with every ex, I would sometimes sit and think of my father. The first man in my life who left. Slowly I became accustomed to temporary love and affection for the moment and I no longer knew who I was.

I had to cry many tears, sit at rock bottom, lose a baby, and finally realize that I was love. I was all the love that I needed to have. The only person I kept leaving behind was myself. By settling for love that didn’t serve me. By listening to excuses coated with lack of ambition. Molding myself into the “perfect wife.”

17 year old me wrote me this:

Dear Future Me

If your reading this it means u made it and I’m so proud because I never thought I’d make it past one more day let alone years. Id like to tell u that your strong and whatever you are going through you’ve already been through the worst and since you’ve been to your lowest low u can only go up from there. I never had any hopes and dreams but I hope u do and I hope you’re achieving them, I  hope you are smiling a real smile now and ur world is 10 shades of a rainbow. Keep smiling and being who u are… 

Remember your beautiful, Inside and out. the past cant define you and the future is still in your hands, You conquered yesterday don’t let today conquer you.

You deserve much more than the world has to offer and never settle for anything less.

Remember to smile, the world is watching.

Your not a bad person and you are much more than just your circumstance.

Bad days will pass so don’t let them consume you. When u want to cry, cry. don’t bottle it up and let it choke you.

 Stop thinking too much. It’s alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it. You don’t own all the problems in the world.

 Repeat after me: I can and I will. I may not get there right away. I may fail multiple or even hundreds of times. but I am going to pick myself back up and eventually get to the point I want to be at in my life.  

Your life is your own and your gonna be scared, do it anyway.

To the girl that got away, I’m sorry.

To the men who left I want to say thank you. Even though I didn’t know it yet, you didn’t deserve me.  

To that little girl, you always deserved better and baby girl we did it! We are running three businesses. We are building our own empire.

We are living in a house by The Grange now. Making million-dollar deals. We have a family surrounding us. Our own family that we choose. 

Planning to travel the world.

You are living your dream.

Love Mandy

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